Lover Archetype-day one

Republish… Original 1st January 2019,  when I undertook a massive spiritual discipline in shadow work.

 

It’s day one and I’m already holding rose petals from a dying bouquet of flowers and crying and wondering if I should binge watch some love stories like The Notebook… Nope I think it feels more Romeo and Juliet pains!

 

My exploration of lover day one…

Exploring, embodying, accepting all parts of self from an Archetype perspective.- reflection, and embodiment today is a reflection.

I remember being told I’d live with you but you are not a nice person. 

This is my former partner telling me reasons why we were not working while we were still together. 

He was so much like me, he said things as he saw them, with no worries of how the other might feel. 

I had quite a shadow side to me the cold hard bitch. The bitch that was a sacred girl who really just wanted to be held safe. My reality is resting bitch face.

Exploring the lover in me the shadow side, that I saw in him as he spoke so openly about all the things he didn’t like about me….  This is the side I found today and it hurt. Because I did it too and If I’m hurting, id image he would be too. I wonder now as I write this how much we are capable of inflicting onto others due to our unconscious behaviour.

This side of me who is a scared child who is literally unable to do much more than look dead at times in a relationship for the fear of all sorts of equations, mostly the one of fear of losing my love….But in this case, I did anyway. 

The freeze activation which gives this face Resting bitch or cold hard bitch is because of my ability to disassociate from my body to allow the bitch to become more prevalent. He used to say I had two Tania’s. This Tania though had a purpose to protect Me.  This learnt behaviour came from immense trauma in childhood. She pushes and pushes and speaks without even thinking, She speaks up when she feels anything BUT LOVE.. any little non love and she is a raging bull.  

The only time I feel safe is when my lover is smiling or telling me he loves me. Or when he is holding me close. It’s not like I can’t feel love. I felt great depths of intoxicating love many times.

In fact I loved this guy so much I felt I couldn’t go on when we broke up. It pained me so much I begged him to not leave me. I was so scared my reality was before me. All my fears were coming true he was leaving me.

I delved deep into my soul and my pain with him. I wondered how can he leave me I feel the pain, shame and addiction for wanting a love this deep to never end.

But the parts of us that were in the shadows that feared each other shone too brightly! As they just were not accepted and Loved.- these were the parts that saw the pain as attacks instead of cries for love.

The lover I saw in him at times the distant lover, this lover is painful.  So for me to sit with this lover that was frozen, it pained my connected lover, it broke her and invoked my cold hard Bitch. But maybe for him the same happened too. I don’t know, I can only guess. 

So what a great cycle of pained disconnect right ?

I know this … Holding space for a shadow aspect takes immense personal understanding and to hold strong in love.

For lover archetype to hold strength in the masculine (supporting the emotional feminine ) which is where we gain this power from, (masculine) to allow emotions to flow, come and go and be released is healing for both involved. -emotional negative aspects (feminine )

But as mentioned not always possible. As it can be painful and repel if the opposing side is not able to hold strong. And has a weakened, suppressed or confused masculine.

Or if the feminine in what Jung would say is “animus possessed”  which I suspect I was ! 🤔

Accessing the healing through the lover in me. The one that was scared of losing love, she needs nourishing because she is the one that has been shamed, blamed and hurt. She needs me to be her friend, me to hold her hand, me to look her in the mirror and say. It’s ok I love you. I accept you as you are !!

This is the work of integrating the soul parts, the supposed fragments, the parts we deny. To love all parts. This is about witnessing in me parts that need acceptance and love. If I don’t they will manifest over and over and over in one form or another.

And to those reading this now I offer you my heartfelt gratitude for reading my personal story and being here.

I love you, all parts of you,

 For those in my past, present and future.

Those who I have hurt through my fears and pain.

My lover honours your lover who just wants to be seen. 

I see you and I honour you. 

To my lover I see you and accept you ❤️

 

Tx  

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