When you can’t think your way out of anxiety feel~Leaving an abusive relationship {content warning}

When you can’t think your way out of anxiety feel~Leaving an abusive relationship {content warning}

I’ve tried so many cognitive therapies and self help, self development positive reframing and studied a small fraction of neuroligistics. I’ve participated in excavating and dealing with my own shadow, i’ve worked on animus possession and fasted for 90 days one year. I sat in a 10 day silent meditation. I practiced yogic techniques, and put I love you, you are amazing, you got this and some Sanskrit chants, all over my drink bottles, glass and mirrors.

But all if this didn’t help me when I needed to listen to my body and get the hell out of the dangerous and damaging  situations i subjected myself to over the years.

I stayed  too long in abusive situations that have now affected my life. I opened my “heart chakra” so much that I learn to forgive all. And so I did. I kept forgiving the person who told me no one will love me the way he does. Or no one will put up with me like he does. And if it was anyone else they would be gone already. That I was lucky he was still with me. And that when I begged for him not to leave, that, I deserved to be alone as I did this, I was crazy, I deserved to be in a cage, like a dog, told when to go to the toilet, and if I went when I was not told. I would have my neck snapped. He didn’t actually say that I would have any of this, that was his masterful abuse. He would tell random stories when we would have discussions/arguments.  He never wrote anything either so I have no proof. He only said the most horrific things to me via phone calls. The stories he would tell me the horrifying analagies he would give. Would explain situations where an animal doesn’t behave and what he would do to it. He would explain in graphic details the way he would kill or torture this animal. Then he would tell me, that I made it up, misunderstood him or took what he said to extremes and didn’t know why I was so hysterical and scared of him. He was a master linguistic gasligher.

I couldn’t leave as I was  scared, yet addicted at the same time. Im not quite sure what I was addicted to. But a part of me stayed maybe it was to stay safe.

 

Here is though what I learnt ..

Anxiety is my friend

I never had such severe anxiety before this one, ‘the last one” I’ve had a multitude of horrible stories, that’s just my life, living in continuous violent and abusive situations.

But the anxiety wasn’t a sign of something to fix, it was a sign to walk

So when something doesn’t feel right I now walk away, take myself from it, even if it is a trigger and the situation isn’t the same, I don’t force myself to stay, if I feel anxious, I walk.

I walk away until I feel better, I don’t try and think myself better

I don’t try and use any cognitive therapies.

I use my body and anxiety, and I trust myself.

This removes shame,

This helps me to start to feel into situations, its starts the building of trust of myself that I had lost.

It starts to bring back the self authority that was taken away from me

It’s like a big hug to myself to walk out of a room and be ok with simply walking out.

 I do it anywhere and anytime.

I walk

And walking is freedom and reminds me all those times I didn’t walk when I wanted to but was too scared, or maybe I did walk but I went back to him, so I will walk until I don’t need to walk again.

And I’m ok if its for life,

Because walking when and where I want in this life,

Is the freedom I didn’t get for too many years,

So I Walk

 

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